DAY TWO!!

DAY TWO!!

 So last night I was sitting there watching a few ale reviews and thinking to myself, 'Just cutting the calories and watching Youtube is not gonna help you trek up Snowdon is it you tart?' so I clicked on a local gym and signed up.

Anyway, I then had to go into Chavz Direct to get some gym gear as all I own are band shirts, combat trousers and work clothing. So there I was, amongst the great unwashed. Single Mum's with fourteen kids crammed into a double buggy wailing and snotting out of their noses.....the kids were good as gold, alongside wannabe 50 Cent plastic gangsters and bored shop staff wearing tracksuits. The smell in the air was a concoction of cock and cheesey feet with a slight whiff of haddock. So you can imagine how fast I purchased my gear.

One shirt (The only XXL they had in the shop and it had 'TAP OUT!' emblazoned across the front in an explosion of different colours.

One pair of jogging below the knee shorts (Grey as they did not have black) Makes my arse look smaller.

One pair of black Puma trainers.

One Everlast Bag.

Upon reaching the checkout I was greeted by a very pretty but half my age girl who squealed 'Would you like a bag for life?' to which I replied 'No I already have an Everlast bag here.....look' which caused her to look a bit confused. I don't think she understood the futility of putting a bag into another bag which would then be put back into the bag which it had come out of because I would be using the bag inside the bag for my gym gear. Also I didn't believe it would last a life time.

Anyway, after messing around with my card because the chip & pin thing was playing up she totalled up my sale and I fucked off.

Rapidly.

Because she forgot to charge me for the trainers.

Anyway, I then met my mate Dean outside the gym and let him show me his usual workout. Little did I know he had been a member for a year, scoffing Creatine like I scoff cake and had a hard on for weight machines.

After doing 30 reps on almost every machine in there I was fucked. I only came to do some cardio so when I got on the running machine I managed a slow walk for ten minutes before I gave up.

I'm home now though. And thanks to my mate Stevesquatch on Facebook I have been using this site here.

AWESOME!!!!


It keeps track of everything you eat and do at the gym as well as has a really cool group of people who encourage and give you tips. I wish I knew about it sooner!


Anyway I'm off to scoff my low fat fish pie and peas.

FOR THOR!!

PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT!!!!

14th June 2012

Well here it is. Judgement day for me. Before I even start this let me introduce myself. I'm David. I'm 41 years old and I work in security which means most of my active work time is standing in one place and trying to look imposing. This may sound sexy as hell to the untrained ear but it does not burn calories. Combined with 12 hour shifts and boredom levels which go beyond a Nicholas Cage movie this only leads to one thing....EAT THE TIME AWAY!!!

When I come home from a long boring shift I like to do either one of three things.

INTERNET!

BEER REVIEWING!

METAL!

Now you could say the energy of the third item on this list could promote metabolism and weight loss due to throwing yourself around and headbanging. However, I am talking about knackered from a twelve hour shift metal which consists of clicking on Youtube and then posting in on Facebook. This might burn about .00001 of a calorie due to the multiple mouse clicks which take place but not enough to shift the 20 stone mass I have accumulated thus far.

Yes.......

20 FUCKING STONE!!!

I have never been this heavy in my life and a lot of it has been down to a combination of stress, bad eating and long hours. I cannot even walk up to the shops without my ankles and lower back hurting. Hardly fit for battle am I? Also I have been hitting the ale quite a lot over the last year and this has not helped at all. Therefore I will be dropping my reviews to one or two a week. No beer other than the reviews. More water. More cardio. More weight training. Healthier food.

 So with the aid of this blog and hopefully some support from my mates I am hoping to shift this unwanted armour which is making me into the shambles of a man I am at the moment.

This morning I went to my local health shop and spent nearly twenty quid on Triple Strength Omega 3 capsules and Dietry Fibre pills as well as Iron, Magnesium and Evening Primrose Oil which is officially the gayest supplement to ask for in the Universe.

I have also started hitting the weights and doing a bit more walking but this is the first day of my regime so you can imagine how I feel at this moment. Like a well kicked ball bag.

Anyway I hope to be a bit more entertaining in this blog and I will be posting a photo of my fat arse every now and again so you can see the pounds flying off (I hope).

FOR ODIN!!